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OK, let’s say I had the idea I was going to like Snowpiercer. But after days of thinking about this I’ve gotten more and more annoyed with the idea that this takes up space in my brain.

We’ll start with the fact that Katness Everdeen… er, I mean Curtis Everett is a blatant copy of every blank slate rise-to-power character ever made. Oh, I had some bad times at the start, there’s been no mention of the middle, and now I’m somehow poised to be #1 but I don’t want to take it – because man… just because.

There’s a guy named Namgoong Minsoo who travels around with a train-baby (14-15 years old,) and his entire goal in this movie appears to be blowing a hole in the train because he thinks people can survive on the planet again. This right after a man’s arm was frozen solid in seven minutes outside of the train.

We’re going to skip right to the end on this as the movie comes down to Namgoong’s decision to blow open the frozen doors while at speed. He’s right, the weather is now survivable in the area they’re at. Unfortunately his blowing the doors open looks like it kills most of the remainder of humanity because the moron caused a landslide that took out almost all of the train cars in the movie.

not the same at all
not the same at all

This is one of those movies that leaves you wondering “ok, so two people walked out of the train and they saw a polar bear. Neither has any experience, they’re experiencing cold for the first time, and I think everyone’s dead now except them. What was the point of blowing that hole open again?

I mean, you could have just stopped the train, or blown out a window (which are not bulletproof we learned earlier,) and let people who wanted to leave leave. It could have been accomplished with a hammer, not 16 pounds of dynamite. It could have been accomplished from the third car on if I remember correctly.

Actually maybe this is what this movie was about – a series of idiots making idiotic decisions and the consequences on the people who had no ability to stand up and fight against them. Throughout the two hours of this film I was reminded of movies like the Matrix (go ahead tell me Wilford isn’t the Architect,) and Oldboy (the fight sequences in some of the cars,) and several random anime that went into this.

Starring: Captain America as Neo/Katness Everdeen, Gandalf the Gray, Nazi Architect from the Matrix, Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games, Samwise getting an axe to the face. the Korean man who can’t act but gets away with it because they’re using a translator, and the only fat black woman left on a train of people who have been starving for 15 years

While the ripping of the characters and scenes was done well, it reminded me that this was not pieced together well. Each car seemed to be a derailing of the previous with no gentle gradients from section to section. This train felt like it had about 20 cars, each one designed by someone from the Lucasarts Terraforming project (they were single element cars.) Nobody seemed more than they were.

Also at some point Katness just looses her followers… er, I mean all the assault group just disappears. It ends up  just four or five people walking car to car. A sneeze could have taken out a couple of them.

In the end you’re left with a movie that you wonder what they accomplished, if anything. I think this might have made an ok manga or anime, but as a movie that requires that the production fills out the world, I was left feeling that it just wasn’t accomplishing what it attempted.

Also, a train that travels around the world over the course of a year – what the hell? At the speed that was going that’s a 438,000 miles of track, or 17 miles of track for every mile of earth covered. Wilford, if he’d wanted to save the population, could have taken that million miles of steel track and turned it into a greenhouse, but obviously he wanted control and planned very well for it.

Usually when I’m left thinking from a movie it’s a good thing, but this one just keeps leading me down the path of feeling it missed the points it was attempting to make and it stole from some very easily recognizable character for anyone over 28.

Oh yeah, forgot, these people who rise up are supposedly staving and malnourished. How the hell after 15 years of this is there a rotund black woman in their midsts? Hunger and oppression doesn’t look like fat people and muscle.

  • Starvingrapper

    Lol I agree with every topic you touched on. This movie although having semi refreshing ideas made absolutely nonsense at all in the end.

    • Smegtasticus

      It was absolute nonsense from beginning to end.

  • Smegtasticus

    This movie was a nice collection of set pieces, had some amazingly caricaturish villains, was a triumph of set design and costuming, and a victory of style over substance. It defiantly threw logic to the wind and had more rambling philosophical soliloquys than the Matrix Trilogy.

    This film was a feast for the eyes, but a strain on the brain…

  • Frem Bteich

    I was really amazed with this movie. If I had to describe it, I say it is the most amazing piece of shit I have ever seen. The director should be imprisoned, the producer should be imprisoned, the well-known actors who took this shitty job should also be imprisoned. And last, someone should invent a time machine for me to regain my lost 2 hours.

  • Silent Political Yeoman

    It’s the classic “poor people versus rich people” drivel, starring rich actors. Same with Elysium and In Time. They’re all films that promote a socialist revolution of some sort, always portraying the rich as people who live snobbishly and luxuriously while everyone else suffers.