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Darren Aronofsky’s “Noah”

Noah 2014 movie posterThe comment that started this viewing was “that looks so bad I kind of want to watch it.” What ensued was amazement at how much one could possibly miss the point and wondering what sort of blackmail the director had on the star-laden cast to keep them in this epic crapfest.

If there’s one thing that will unite Christians, Muslims, Jews, and Atheists together it has been found, and that’s a near universal dislike of this movie. The IMDB user ratings board is a solid one to two stars which how IMDb comes up with a 6.1 score, I don’t know. I guess paying for review weight works 😉

Let’s get down to some of the horrible stuff in this movie.

There doesn’t exist a plant in the land. None. All of mankind seems to be dicks who do nothing but eat meat… which they sort of would have to because there are no plants and no sunshine as far as I can tell. There’s one scene in which a hog/sheep thing is thrown into a crowd and eaten alive by a group of people who didn’t seem to realize there was a nice fire pit behind them.

In fact, that’s the only thing that separates the people who are doomed to drown from the people who aren’t – we see them eating meat at every opportunity available. I’m not sure if the director is an ardent vegetarian or what, but this was just way the hell out there in terms of “this person is evil!” Yeah Christians, you eat meat god’s going to drown you.

Seemed like PETA somehow had a hand in that… as a near-lifetime vegetarian the selling of meat as damnation almost made me go and crack open some bacon it was that abysmal of a message.

Noah gets a message from God to build an ark so that God can kill all the carnivores. Basically he enters this trippy dream state… I’ll leave the visuals to the movie… they’re pretty bad.

You might be wondering how Noah could possibly build an ark from a barren landscape. Yeah, there’s nothing to eat or chop down, it’s pretty much hell. So God pops a spring out of the rock and bam – instant forrest.

Now Noah just has to build an ark big enough to hold all the beasts of the forest, all the birds, etc. Lucky he has fall angel rock monsters to help him.

This rock monster looks better than anything in Noah

Of did I forget to mention that? Yes – badly done CGI rock monsters running at a different frame rate than the movie. They almost look like they were claymation/stop motion.

These CGI rock monsters are angels who were damned to live on earth, encased in the mud and rocks. God has turned his back on them for attempting to teach man the ways of goodness and virtue.

The backstory is the angels wanted to help mankind, and God was jealous of this so he damned them to be hideous demon-looking rock monsters.

Still the angels wanted to help mankind and taught them until man rose up en masse and attacked killing nearly all of the angels until Methuselah with his magic fire sword roasted whole armies.

Noah’s rock monsters

In case you’re wondering, no, there’s nowhere in the bible or resultant spinoffs that have Methuselah as a badass magic-wielding slayer of armies.

Oh yeah, these rock monsters have a weakness that if you wedge open their rock armor they’re angels on the inside and somehow barbarian mankind was able to figure this out. Oh yeah, you can stab a being of pure light and it kills them.

As was pointed out to me by someone who worked on Galaxy Quest, their rock monsters were better.

So anyway, these demon angel rock monsters help destroy this forest that God just spawned to make the ark.

This forest also leads the armies of man to Noah, and they say when the rain comes we’re getting on board and Noah says no you’re not.

Oh yeah, Emma Watson plays a girl who got stabbed simultaneously in both ovaries and could never have children. Somehow the blessing of an old dude causes her parts to percolate and fixes them. He spends a lot of time rummaging about in the bushes looking for a berry he’s sure is there. I nearly loled at the  whole thing.

Noah’s sons are concerned that in this post-flood future they’re not going to be able to become men. The wording is a bit rough, but it’s basically a really well founded fear of being alone. One of them goes to grab a lady friend from the man camp, she eventually gets caught in a bear trap and trampled by an invading army.

The floods start coming, the leader of men asks god something like “I’m made in your image but you won’t even talk to me?” he then takes out his gun and fires it into the air. Oh yeah, he’s got a gun and that’s going to be used for angel killing later.

The men decide it’s time to swarm Noah’s ark with an army, but they’ve got to contend with a bunch of demon rock angels before they can get by. I’m not entirely sure how long this fight lasts, I’d say I probably saw a hundred CGI men squished to death by angels, but I might be way off one way or the other.

The armies of man find they can kill the rock angels, who then shoot straight up to heaven as they’ve evidently been doing God’s work… a really really long badly done CGI fight of humans being squished until they finally overcome the demon angel rock things goes on and then about 20 or so men get by.

This is where Noah starts killing people left and right. Yup, Noah’s a badass and these people who are only attempting to save themselves from the flood he dispatches with Hollywood style. Slit throat here, stab through the heart there, “Thou Shalt Not Kill” nothing, it’s “Noah Shall Hot Thrill”.

After a very long bloody murder sequence, the world floods and you just hear people screaming for mercy. The ark somehow is close enough to hear thousands of people’s voices raised begging God asking why. Noah’s wife asks if they can save a few, Noah says no.

One of the men has managed to get aboard and is being helped by the son who’s short-term girlfriend got trampled in a bear tap. He’s helping this dude for revenge on his father. Dude keeps eating all the sleeping animals, says god put them there for mankind to take. At this point it’s very difficult for me to not break out one of my wife’s steaks and grill it.

Emma Watson’s character gets preggers, Noah claims he’s going to kill the babies so that mankind will vanish from this earth as God evidently intended. At this point God’s really said nothing to Noah, just these random trippy dreams.

One of his sons and Emma’s very very pregnant character who’s due in less than a month decide they’re done with it: “fuck this man, we’re getting on a dingy and floating somewhere and having these babies” so Noah decides to set that on fire so that he can kill the kids later.

If you’re not familiar with the story of Noah or human reproductive biology, from flood to landfall is 150 days. To be in the last month of pregnancy she would have to be at 250 days pregnant. At 150 days (which is assuming she got knocked up the day of the flood, because who doesn’t want to be knocking boots while listening to people begging for their lives right outside the ark,) there would be a visible baby bump.

I’m uncertain what happened to the man who snuck aboard, I had to go calm a baby who had woken from sleep, but when I returned the world was green and Noah was saying that when he looked at Emma’s character’s girls he was filled with love so he didn’t murder them. One of Noah’s son’s leaves, and Noah gets back with his wife who’s estranged somehow.

Story over… horrid…

More fun involves the method of storing all the animals – they just drugged them to sleep for the entire time, kept them in a coma for five months. Because you know, you can totally keep any animal whatsoever in a coma for five months without feeding it and it will survive. A hummingbird wouldn’t survive two days without eating as a note.

There’s a side part where one of Noah’s boys finds a girl in a pit of dead guys and she’s afraid he’s going to rape her. He sits with her a while and basically tells her that it’s come with him and be his bride or she can drown here. She’s the one that died in the bear trap. Basically the moral of that arc was stay here and get fucked by these guys who threw you into the dead pit and then die when the world floods, or come with me to be fucked by me, either way you’re getting screwed.

I can’t properly explain how totally bad this movie is. This is days later I’m still remembering each and every terrible part. From bad acting, to terrible CGI, the whole thing reeks of a small budget Lifetime original, but with a budget of $150,000,000 they… they… damn that’s a lot for that steaming pile of crap. They must have bought the good drugs.

Should you want to see this masterpiece of missing the point, it’s currently available on most pay-to-stream services like On-Demand, or you can grab it at Amazon for $18. I’d actually like to see what the MST3K kids would do to this movie.

Also, if you’re interested in the first appearance of the Noah story, check out Gilgamesh. Also, should you be interested in reading the Noah story that’s in the bible, here’s a link – I could spend hours going line by line with what the movie got wrong, but evidently there are whole sites for that.

Some of the biggest fails was that every son had a wife, all were over 100 years old at that point.

Wow this movie missed the point…

It’s like it was written by someone who read the story while on LSD, told it to a friend who has English as a second language, they then ran it through some sort of “let’s make everything as wrong as possible,” filter, and spewed it out.

Darren Aronofsky, your story sucks.

  • Ryan

    Yourreviewssucks.com, you can’t adapt an evil little flash fiction story like Noah and not change anything. Sounds like you wanted a piece of shit of movie.